spell checker just might ruin the world...

The spell checker. The great tool that lets any writer on a computer be just that, a writer. No longer are we afraid to send a draft to a teacher/professor/friend/peer, for we have spell checker!

Now you can stray from using just word document programs in your writing. When typing online posts, such as this entry right here, an email, or a simple query on Google, a spellchecker will automatically reveal any misspelled words! This is great! No more feeling like a dumb dumb! A red squiggly line appears under your shameful attempt of literacy and all you have to do is a right click followed by a left click and BOOM! you've aced every spelling test since kindergarten!

I truly do love this technology. While I'm not the worst speller, I am far from the best. However, the following scenario has crossed my mind:

Technology with computers/internet seems to double in speed and performance every year. Technology is also becoming integrated into daily lives with the average joe oblivious to its presence. So under my theory the average joe will right click and change his misspelled word with the first word on the list that looks right (if none are available or do not look right, he/she will change the word completely. yes i am guilty of this.). There is no shame in this technique other than the fact that one typically will not pay attention to the correct spelling or true meaning of the word. So fast forward to 2080. The internet is now available for viewing via contact lenses(most likely will be done using lasik surgery, who am i kidding) so you dont even need to use handheld devices! It will also be connected to your thought process. Therefore, while you're writing that timed essay for SATs, every word will be spelled perfectly since your thoughts are being calibrated and perfected milliseconds prior to the graphite marking the surface. Everyone will become equal! and of course this technology will mend into speech as well! Every time a person speaks, their speech will be flawless in pronunciation, and articulation!

Hollywood has it all wrong. The humans are not destroyed by the robots. The humans become the robots.


*over 15 words were corrected using spellcheck in this article.

Ben

While watching "America's Got Talent" last night (yes, I watch it, and we'll get to that at another time), I realized something that had escaped me for years on end. And all it took was a little boy named David Militello to help.

David was a very cute kid that sang the Michael Jackson classic "Ben" to the delight of the judges, audience, and nation. You could actually feel the collective heart of the nation melt at the same time. The kid OOZED cuteness. The kid POURED sweetness. He was a sticky, gooey, saccharine package of a 9-year-old. I was moved.

As he sang "Ben," I began to listen to lyrics to see if he was getting them right. And he was, he sang every note perfectly and got every word correct. I'd never really listened to the words of the song before. You know, REALLY listened to them. Sure, I'd heard it and I knew right away when the opening notes were played that little David was going to be singing about an unending, incorruptible friendship. Something puzzled me about the song, however; I don't know what, and I don't know why, but something about it made me get this little curiosity itch in the pit of my stomach.

I quickly ran to my computer to see what to make of this song. Who was MJ singing about? Why was this "Ben" so important to the Gloved One? And this is what I found...

...THE SONG IS ABOUT A FUCKING RAT!

...Not kidding...

...And not just a rat: A MOTHERFUCKING KILLER RAT...

...Am I the last to know about this one?

Apparently, "Ben" is the title song to the 1972 movie BEN, which was a sequel to the movie Williard, which was remade a couple years ago with Crispin Glover. Williard was the story of a man who becomes friends with a bunch of rats that eventually do his bidding and kill all of his enemies. BEN is the story of a small, lonely, shy boy (insert little David here) who becomes friends with Ben, who is the leader of the killer pack of rats from the first movie...

...Gotta love 70's filmmaking...

Anyway, the song is supposed to be about the kid from the movie singing to his best friend in the world, really his only friend when you come to think of it. Here's the rub: HISFRIENDISAFUCKINGKILLERRAT!

The song was nominated for an Academy Award that year (mind-boggling). I understand its a good song, and up until this revelation I thought it was a wonderful testament to friendship. It's forever tainted, however, by this knowledge. How can I ever take that song seriously now, knowing what I know? It's like finding out Manilow's "Mandy" was about his dog, or that the nursery rhyme "Jack and Jill" is a cautionary tale about fucking around on your spouse, or that the soothing sounds of Bing Crosby came from a man who beat the shit out of his kids.


A fucking rat...wow.

I wonder if little David Militello knows that the song is about a rat. I also now wonder if his song for the next round will be Templeton the Rat's "A Veritable Smörgåsbord" from Charlotte's Web or "Flying Dreams" from The Secret of N.I.M.H. I mean, hell, someone's already sung "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tail.

I'll be forever shaken by this (ok, that's an overstatement; when I find out that "Imagine" is about the joys of nuclear armament or that "What a Wonderful World" is really about ethnic cleansing then I'll be shaken). Still, I really liked that song and I'll never be able to take it seriously again and that irks me to no end.

I used to say "I" and "me,"
Now it's "us", now it's "we."
Ben, most people would turn you away,
I don't listen to a word they say.
They don't see you as I do,
I wish they would try to.
I'm sure they'd think again,
If they had a friend like Ben...

Sigh.