I've Hitched My Wagon to a Falling Star...

...and that star is called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

WARNING: This contains spoilers.

FURTHER WARNING: The movie spoiled the series.

I've always thought that I had a good read on what was going to be good and what was going to be bad. What was going to be a lasting trend or what was going to be a passing fad. My finger was on the pulse of what was meaningful and relevant and important.

I'll admit, I've had my screw ups. I have a wonderful collection of POG's and I am willing to play anyone that for some reason or another still has them. I'm still waiting for them to bring back Pepsi Clear. And I'm holding out hope for Corey Feldman to win an Academy Award. But over all, I think that I've got a good read on pop culture.

I was on to Napoleon Dynamite long before it went on to become an indie darling and the most annoyingly quoted movie ever. I was on board with Kayne way before the video for "Through the Wire" came out. I had the good sense to jump off the "Dane Train" when that no talent fuck gave up stand up for shit movies.

But I didn't see this one coming. I hitched my wagon to what I was certain was going to be a sure thing. I hitched my wagon to a falling star.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is 2 hours and 6 minutes of disappointment wrapped up in failure packaging and topped with a mediocrity bow. Our country's love of the average, the mundane, the watered-down, and the downright dull has finally reached the greatest action/adventure hero of all time.

I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I'll start with the plot (Um...was there a plot?); maybe I'll discuss the acting (Harrison Ford phoned that performance in); maybe I'll mention the special effects (or the lack of them in the movie); or maybe I'll discuss Karen Allen (Great to see her return to the series...but what the hell was she there for? A completely pointless plot device...or a way to rake in more money?).

But no, I'll stick with just three things. The first of which is the horrible villain, played in a rare showing of awfulness by Cate Blanchett. Cate, you're an amazing actress, you really are. Your performance of Bob Dylan in I'm Not There belongs in a time capsule. Your performance in this movie belongs at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, never to be witnessed again. Nice Russian accent...when you decided to stick with it.

I'll next mention Shia LaBeouf. Shia, oh Shia. You peaked at "Even Stevens" and "Holes." Now, you are a plague. You are a hack. You have become Death, Destroyer of Worlds and Movies and Hopes and Dreams.

"I never had much use for school, but I'm good with a blade."

Good with a blade, huh? That's quite the skill, you dickless pussy. Your character, "Mutt" (let's all have a good cry over that name, shall we), is a lame amalgam of Brando, Dean, and Elvis that tries to be hip and witty, but ends up being ridiculous funny in the end. And not funny intentionally. Funny like how watching someone else get kicked in the nuts is funny. Only this time, it was me getting kicked in the nuts while I watched your clown-like performance.

Finally, I'll discuss the ending.

Aliens.

Really? Really? REALLY?!

Really.

The "Crystal Skull" is apparently the skull of an alien who's race taught early humans culture, math, farming, and all that jazz. Thanks, Aliens, y'all are really helpful! It was removed by conquistadors and hidden for hundreds of years. And now the Soviets want it. Why? Because it'll provide them with power, obviously.

The thing is, the only power I saw it wield was the ability to blow up the temple where the rest of the Alien skeletons were sitting around. Maybe thats why the U.S.S.R. is no more...

And what were they doing sitting around anyway?! Did they see the conquistadors come in, and just sit by as they took the head of one of their buddies?

"Man, did you see that fine human chick over by the corn pile...wait, what are those guys doing? HOLY SHIT! THEY TOOK CHARLIE'S HEAD! We should totally stop them...but fuck, we're made out of FUCKING CRYSTAL! Let's just sit tight, maybe they'll bring it back..."

Come on now, seriously? Is that the best you can come up with? ALIENS?! Indiana Jones is not about aliens. He's about fighting Nazis and the supernatural and going on digs and finding lost artifacts. I can buy an element of the paranormal in the Indy adventures; I'll even buy the guy staying alive after his heart gets ripped out in Temple of Doom (which was previously the worst installment of the series). What I won't buy is Aliens. Give me a fucking break.

Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford had 19 years to work on a masterpiece. They had a tall order to fill, sure, but they have the talent to come up with something far better than this trash. The air has been let out of my tires, the wind is gone from my sails, my hero has become a joke.

As excited as I was to see a new Indy adventure, I see now that it was just a ploy to line the pockets of people who's pockets have no need of lining. I can only hope that the iconic image of Indiana Jones, Sala, Marcus Brody, and Henry Jones Sr. riding off into the sunset in The Last Crusade was the true ending of the story, and that the shitfest that has been unleashed on multiplexes is all just a bad, bad, bad dream.

I'll try to hitch my wagon to that star of an idea, and hopefully this time, that star won't fall...