The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

It's become the norm nowadays to take a shot at today, being St. Valentine's Day. People have labeled it such things as "Single's Awareness Day" and have taken to boycotting it. It's become a shame, a fraud, a corporate bastardization of a celebration.

And I feel like I should throw my two cents into the mix.

For 364 days (or 365 in the case of this year), people can go about their lives and not care about love, relationships, or the fact that they are pointlessly with someone or hopelessly without them. Life goes on, the wheel keeps turning 'round, light spreads through the day, gradually fading off into night.

And then today happens. And "love" is crammed down our throats.

I put "love" in quotations because its not really love. It's an excuse. Thats all Valentine's Day is, an excuse. It's a male "get-out-of-jail" free card. A guy can be a dickcockdouchebagfuckface the whole year, but if he shells out enough to buy some flowers and chocolate he can somehow convince his girl to spread her legs and let him get up all in dem guts.

Ladies, it's also an excuse for you to believe that your relationships aren't a farce. It's a way for you to hold onto the notion that you're living in a Kate Hudson movie and Hugh Grant is coming in to sweep you off your feet. Two things: you're not and he would probably just shag you and never call you again. I know thats what he did to me...

And let's talk about the flowers for a second. Nothing says "I love you" like a unique bouquet of flowers that you thoughtfully picked out. You can read "unique" as "mass-produced" and "thoughtfully picked out" as "double-clicked on at the FTL website because it was on special". Here ya go honey! A special bouquet just for you...and all the other girls that got the same one.

Now, for all you that go around smarmily shouting that its actually "Single's Awareness Day"...go fuck yourselves. Honestly, whats the big deal with being single?

Think about it. You didn't have to go to a store today and read card after mind numbing card and try to pick one that sums up how you feel in your relationship. (Here's an idea: Just buy a blank one and write "Fuck Me while you're ripping out my soul" because thats really what you want to say anyway).

I guess my "bitterness" (if you want to label it that) stems from today being everywhere. You can't escape it. So here's my plea. If you're in a relationship today, wonderful. Good for you. I'm happy for you. But this is the thing: NO ONE ELSE GIVES A FUCK. Nobody cares how sweet he was for you. No one cares how great she looked in that thong (ok maybe I do somewhat care on this point). If you're in love keep it to yourself. And also, celebrate that love everyday of the fucking year, not just when it's on sale at the CVS.

And If your single today, revel in your singleness. Be glad that you can buy a case of beer and get shithoused. Be glad that you can curl up with your favorite book or tv show and not worry about anyone else. Be glad that you can order a bunch of hot wings and be a slob on your couch and let the buffalo hot sauce drip all over you.

Maybe that's why you're single afterall.